catching up a lil

Hi all...
If there are any of you out there :)

I haven't been writing mostly cause the very few days when I haven't been sick or miserable I have been using the energy or painkiller help to get out of this pit of an apt and do something like loose the local Bikini Contest again (though this time I was second out of 8 instead of third out of 5 LOL... but to be honest I was only second on a technicality the actual second was flashing to get her applause)
I also made it to a nice dinner with a friend and met a gorgeous waiter and then saw the one movie I have been waiting months and months for... Despicable Me and it was GREAT!! o:)

So other than those few days out my sleep schedule has been totally messed up with me going to bed around 5am or later and having problem waking up before 8pm... then I spend the hours I am up tired, worn out, alone, sick and or in pain but over all miserable.
The depression is coming out of the darkness again and again these last few weeks but mostly this last 7 days or so... I feel like I don't have anything to be proud of or feel comfortable in anymore:
I used to be a reasonable wrestler (with many nice, and much better than I was, friends telling me I was very good at least at technique); I was pretty damn great at history or at least my areas of interest and could do amazing things in a debate; I was great at picking up and even retaining languages; I was reasonably attractive and didn't have too much trouble getting a date (and that even with the guys I chose and liked); I was a good dancer in Latin, Ballroom, Club; and I was an OK actress and pretty good on stage or performing in varied ways. These days between muscle loss and weakness, lack of energy and overwhelming fatigue both of which have caused my endurance to become non existent for athletics or dance or even walking sometimes, brain damage and memory loss have helped to disintegrate my abilities at history debate and languages, all of these together have messed my performing abilities in just about all ways, and as pathetic as it sounds I haven't been asked out on a date by single guy I like (at least here in Texas for two years or more)

It is hard feeling that I don't have something, anything, left that I am good at or can beleieve in and feel comfortable with saying this is what I can do... this I have left to me. And it comes out punches me in the face when I am feeling really bad health-wise cause I can't go and hide in one of those things, I was a published poet on multiple occations and I have only written one poem in 4 years. The last one before that I wrote for my ex-fiance right before I started getting really sick. It is almost as if the disease not only sucked up my strength and health but also my intellect and talents of all kinds leaving nothing behind but pain and neurosis and depression.

On that happy note, until next time ... and I will try to keep up better