Sleep: a healthy respite or a hiding place

Good morning all, it is actually 5:30 on Wed. but I am still considering it Tuesday for me.
Tuesday started out similar to the last couple of days to a week with me waking up every 2-3 hours. This time was different though in that every time I went to seep I was involved in very in depth vivid intense dreams. Three different sets of dreams though the last two had a similar theme at least.
So I slept from 6am to 2pm. I woke up so I could make it to a doctor's appointment. I got my shower and and got dressed and except for a lil chest pain I was on track and on time and proud of my self. Then I found that my keys were gone, so I went a lil nuts looking for them, and realized that my best girl who was helping me out yesterday by doing my shopping still had them in her purse. Now I was really starting to panic, but I remembered that I had 2 extra keys made and did a mad search of all the boxes that still make up my room (one of my biggest frustrations since moving in here and one of the most limiting issues in my life these days is that I don't know where anything is anymore and can never find what I need when I need it and going through the boxes is likely to seriously depress me within min anytime I deal with them). The keys were no where to be found. So I called the doctor's office and was lucky enough that there was a cancellation for tomorrow, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see her for 2 weeks and would have be cut off from B-12 shots!
The panic attack caused me to take a half a doxy (over the counter Doxylamine is actually a sleeping pill, but it works amazingly well as anti-anxiety med) to calm down and it sort of worked but I still felt over heated and suddenly couldn't breath, it felt like the oxygen wasn't coming it (like it used to be when I would run in the horrid Texas humidity) so I stripped down and turned down the AC.
Then within 10 min or so I was freezing. I turned the AC back up and wrapped up warm but could stop freezing. I finally got a lil more comfortable and then passed out. This is the 2nd time I have falling asleep within 30-45 min after taking only half a doxy, I figure it has something to do with the Fentanyl Patch.
So after sleeping from 4 to 8 I woke up tired but unable to go back to sleep and kinda miserable that I seem to be sleeping what lil life have left away. I did think it was kinda nice that instead of having to be severely depressed or in agony I was just mildly depressed and in a moderate amount of pain. But the longer I was awake the more the pain grew and changed to be more bothersome and upsetting. I thought about taking a sleeping pill to just go back where my dreams are vivid and vibrant (unlike my life), I am healthy and powerful and strong (unlike my life), and there is no pain and rarely any depression (unlike my life). But at the same time that feels a lot like a cop-out or hiding.
But even if it is hiding does that matter? I don't seem to be getting much of anything done when I am awake these days, so does it matter if I am awake at all?
I'm not even all that depressed just being kinda existential ... and lonely.

What a choice

Hi all it is Monday night and that means I have to give myself glutathione shot number 4 and since every other shot I have gotten or given myself of the this stuff has really sucked and I recently got informed I should be doing it on the top not side of my thigh (more muscle less fat) I am pretty afraid it is going to hurt A LOT, even more than usual...

As for the title of this post, well yesterday wasn't too bad at all pain wise but was pretty awful emotion wise and ended with a horrid nervous breakdown and making my mom cry and my blood pressure sinking to 74/53 and passing me out... not fun
Today instead, thanks to my good friend Bee being here late last night till now, I have been pretty damn stable (not amazingly but so much better than yesterday), but instead I have been in a lot of pain almost all of the day (ecept when passed out from pain or the fatigue the pain causes).

So my choice seems to be do I want to be out of my mind neurotic and insane or would I rather be in intense pain? Not a nice choice or one I want to deal with.

What would your choice be?

depressed/angry

Today hasn't been so bad physically but it has been reasonable nasty emotionally... between the state of world and national politics there doesn't look to be much of a future for anyone, between the state of my illness and my ability to take care of my self there doesn't seem to be much of a future for me!

I have been so angry today I haven't been able to talk to anyone and I have been crying on and off and so frustrated stuck in my damn apartment from emotional lability and dizziness debilitating me from being able to drive, not that I had anywhere to go...

I am so angry right now and I am not even sure what I am even mad at... I just want to scream until it all comes out and then take muscle relaxers or pain killers till I pass out, and pray that when sleep I forget or get over all of this and that tomorrow will be a new day.

Ugh!!!

Hi to all the not followers and followers
LOL funny that almost none of the people who said I should do this aren't following it

SO as of 6am this morning the sore throat seemed to be gone, and when I woke up at 3pm it was still gone YAY!!
But in its place the nausea that has been plaguing me for over a month now was back with a vengence and the only thing I seem to be able get down and keep down are those "pop ice" popsicles kids love and I am really worried about all the sugar cause it isn't good for my system, my healing throat, and my damn candida.
Why can't things be simple?

On a totally different note my mom has become friends with a professional astrologer with a somewhat similar pain disorder who is trying to find a way to use a person's personal chart to predict relapses or problematic times so that he or she can try to per pare or decompress before those times occur and hopefully lessen the consequences. Unfortunately my mom volunteered me to help him streamline his program. So today I had to go through my pain journal and answer questions and try to figure things out for him and after going through it I now know that I am not exaggerating when I say this relapse has sucked sour spoiled eggs (the imagery comes from me trying to not curse on this blog) and it has definitely been of the longest and continuous of the last 4 years. Even my good days are filled with pain or nausea or depressive crying to some degree. There are no simple straight happy pain or misery of some kind free days for the last 4+ months at the least... it makes me really not want to look at my other pain journals from before February.

Anyone out there in the same boat want to comment... being left with my own thoughts at a point like this is never fun!

I hate colds, and am going to cut off my left leg

Ok the title may sound a lil over the top but I will explain:

I got a sore throat a couple days ago and the sickness itself (using up energy my body doesn't have) and the pain from my throat (real pain tends to trigger Neuro Pain or just make the pain I am already having much worse) has been making my life hell.

Yesterday, June 25th, was pretty much non stop pain at any point I wasn't drugged into sleep (thank G*d for muscle relaxers). I even had the unlucky experience of throwing up my percocet in the morning so the day started off awful and went down hill from there.
By the evening I was in such a bad state I could barely talk at one point and my mother had to call multiple friends to see if anyone could come help me. I was out of drinks (the water in College Station is so disgusting it just makes me sicker if I am forced to drink it) and food that my stomach could handle and even some of my meds. Finally I got a hold of someone who wasn't out of town, injured from a car accident, partying cause it was Friday, or so overprotective they would have driven me to madness on top of the agony. My friends and ex-mentee Henry came by and not only went shopping for me but cooked me some dinner and brought it to me since I was talking again but still not up for walking.

One of the reasons I couldn't walk is the same as the reason I want cut off my left leg... on and off for the last week I have been a reacurring pain in my upper left thigh. It feels like someone is slicing into my leg and then trying the dig into the flesh with a dull knife... it is absolute agony and tends to make me scream almost every time. On top of that by the time the pain killers kick in (20-40 min) the agony is over and I just end up drugged (which I HATE)

Today my cold was a bit better and the pain a lot less then yesterday (still horrid but not death wish awful), then my leg went off again. I had the thought that maybe between cold meds and pain meds I thought maybe I could go out and have a lil fun for the first time in a week (not that loosing a bikini contest to a girl who looks like a 12 year old boy was all that much fun last Saturday, but hanging with Bee and Stephen and watching Brock and KJ do the robot def was:), but the smoke and other crap in all the clubs in B/CS will prob have my sore throat back to full agony by tomorrow and if it does I will be stuck in the apartment not moving for at least 2 or 3 days... and I just don't know if the chance of fun is worth the chance of agony?
SO tonight I get to be stuck in the house and my housemate just came back for the first time all week (not Thursday when he was supposed to drive me to a doc apt, and got to have a panic attack that last an hour on the way there) and he wants to be all mother hen and over protective and talk to me like a baby "aww sweetheart are you ok?" and pat my head... NO I AM NOT OK!!!
I haven't been ok for years but I have especially been NOT OK for the last 8 months that I have been in a relapse (since I got swine flu last fall), and I am so damn sick of that G*d damn phrase that I think I will start hurting people who continue to ask it!

Ok so that is an update of my cold and the last 2 days.... Talk to you all again soon :)

Hi

Hi I am Jessica Cunningham and this is my Blog. The purpose of writing this is to let friends and family know what has happened to me, what is going on presently in my life and why I sometimes seem so depressed and/or distant.

I figured the best place to start was with a quick overview, which happens to be from my profile so if you read the whole thing there is no need to read this :)

I am a 26 year old female suffering from multiple neurological illnesses and autonomic dysfunctions. I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis "M.E." (which is a form of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that includes severe and extremely debilitating pain), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome "POTS" (which means my blood pressure doesn't regulate correctly and for me I don't get enough blood or for that matter oxygen to my brain), I also have Hypovolemia (which is low blood volume, caused by my cells not absorbing hydration by mouth), and Fybromyalgia (sever muscle pain and skin painful to the touch)

That is who I am now, but to understand this blog you need to know who I used to be:
I was an extremely athletic and competitive child. I started dancing at age 4, I started traveling to other countries at 7 the same age at all of 60 pounds I decided I was going to lift people twice my weight off the ground (something I continued doing for most of my life). I was on my summer swim team and a junior life guard. I used to get into fights in middle school (but most will tell you it was to protect others). I was the first and only girl on my high school wrestling team. I was one of the first girls in country officially on a men's collegiate wrestling team. I used to bench press 160 and squat 250 max and I weighed 110 at the time. I trained for 4 years, first in PLC then in NROTC, to be a Marine Officer (the only thing I have ever really wanted to do with my life).
I was in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M when I first got sick and all of that changed. Now I am lucky if I can get out 5-10 push ups and 10 weightless squats, many days I can't even walk let alone try to exercise. I spend about 70% of my time overall on my couch, I rarely get out and don't have all that many visitors but I figure I have gone from the outgoing protector to the needy and depressing shut in so I don't blame people too much.