The title of this post is based on the Roller Coaster of emotions caused by illness and pain and depression:
SO I am sick and life sucks all around. OK I don't like it and wish I was better but that's where I am. Then the pain gets better or the fatigue or both and I start exercising or I get to go out dancing or to the movies with friends or dinner with a nice guy or all of the above and life isn't perfect or the way it used to be, but it is a lot better. Then something happens, chemical upset in the brain, a giant pain spike, a 24 hour night of sleep or longer... and then I am depressed and even though the pain isn't too bad (but continuing) you can't get up you can't get anything done and more than the fact that you have hit this low is the that you were doing so "well" when it happened.
Or it happens from another side of the "pain, fatigue, depression" triangle. Either way I go up on one or two sides and then slide down the other side or two and feel stuck in a pit I can't remember how to get out of... especially when it is the emotional side of the triangle because it is the hardest on the rest of the system. I can deal with the pain generally if I am not awfully tired or depressed. I can handle being tired if I am not depressed or in much pain. But when I get depressed, even if the other symptoms are or were doing ok, I crash. The depression makes me more tired no matter where I was before, it gives me more pain and even when the pain isn't too bad it makes it overwhelming because the depression overwhelms all the rest of me.
I know I have gotten over these mini relapses, even when I am in an overall relapse. But I can't remember how, or what I did different to cause it or fix it.
It leaves me more depressed because I can't see a way out of it.
I'm gonna try exercise and good food and keeping up with my regimen but it gets so hard when I feel like this. Last night I tried to exercise but couldn't get past a couple movements, it made me feel like I was gonna pass out.
UGH!!! all I have to say is UGH!!!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
times 3
So I get Fibro pain on and off, I get Neuralgic pain a lot, and now today I have muscle pain from yesterday's attempt at exercise (which caused plenty of issues of its own).
I tried to go for a jog at one point and made it a very very short distance before my energy and lungs gave out. Now I have been very inactive of late, and the heat and humidity of central Texas is legendary in its ability to debilitate people, but beyond all that I now know after many tests that there is a congenital problem with my lungs. I don't process CO2 correctly and because of that my lungs don't always get enough oxygen to my brain, which is why I have always been a crappy runner. I have a relatively high amount of carbonic acid or something in my blood which tells the doctors that I have had the CO2 issue for most of my life and was somewhat dealing with it. Since I have become so sick and the POTS has caused other issues with my blood getting enough oxygen to my brain my lungs don't seem to work well at all... I have almost no endurance or ability to run or do much of any aerobic exercise. Unfortunately that leaves me realizing whatever I finally get to do with my life it will most likely be a desk job. I never wanted a desk job and am having a lot of trouble accepting the staid path my life is seeming to heading down.
To all those who have lost their dreams or plans for their lives the pain doesn't ever truly dissipate but it does become bearable, at least most of the time. Find a way to bring whatever it was about your dreams and plans that made you happy into your new life... it is really hard I know but I do believe it is possible (at least most of the time :)
I tried to go for a jog at one point and made it a very very short distance before my energy and lungs gave out. Now I have been very inactive of late, and the heat and humidity of central Texas is legendary in its ability to debilitate people, but beyond all that I now know after many tests that there is a congenital problem with my lungs. I don't process CO2 correctly and because of that my lungs don't always get enough oxygen to my brain, which is why I have always been a crappy runner. I have a relatively high amount of carbonic acid or something in my blood which tells the doctors that I have had the CO2 issue for most of my life and was somewhat dealing with it. Since I have become so sick and the POTS has caused other issues with my blood getting enough oxygen to my brain my lungs don't seem to work well at all... I have almost no endurance or ability to run or do much of any aerobic exercise. Unfortunately that leaves me realizing whatever I finally get to do with my life it will most likely be a desk job. I never wanted a desk job and am having a lot of trouble accepting the staid path my life is seeming to heading down.
To all those who have lost their dreams or plans for their lives the pain doesn't ever truly dissipate but it does become bearable, at least most of the time. Find a way to bring whatever it was about your dreams and plans that made you happy into your new life... it is really hard I know but I do believe it is possible (at least most of the time :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
random rant
I don't think I will be able to watch History channel, or History International anymore and I am starting to think that most museums and History and Archeology departments that associate themselves with either channel at anytime should be blown up!
These channels and their shows mention ideas or theories of what things, from civilizations that have been gone for thousands of years and left NO WRITTEN history, might have meant and then repeat their theories over and over as fact...
I would kill for a time machine right now to bring back an Orkney Pagan or a Henge builder and watch them beat the crap out of the EXPERTS (they keep using that word over and over again) for desecrating their religious sites with blasphemous ideas... These people have no clue what the hell they are talking about...
many times they are interpreting from "clues" that don't even exist anymore... or have no actual proof of what the clues that do exist actually mean:
Oh my look there is a cow skull at an embankment that took decades to make so this is obviously a religious point for death ceremonies long before the henge was built except that about 15 min earlier we, the "experts", told you that all henges were built with embankments that were dug first and since this is the largest ever made and took decades it couldn't possibly just be that there were some religious cereomonies done while digging or that they consecrated it in certain ways and not that is was a religious site before hand instead of it being dedicated to death in every way
I am enraged by the way this show was directed produced and narrated and the "experts" that were used and spoke their theories as facts and known facts that are practically irrefutable they don't deserve to be acknowledged as historians at all ever again.
This is at least the tenth time I have been frustrated or pissed off by these channels and the way they show historical events people or places. Only a couple weeks ago I was enraged by a show denigrating Alexander the Great and I have seen at least three shows about Cleopatra that were filled with twaddle and modern psycho babble that had nothing to do with actual fact, culture, or history... Now the Pagans of the British Isles.
Learning is disappearing and I for one am made quite sad by it.
These channels and their shows mention ideas or theories of what things, from civilizations that have been gone for thousands of years and left NO WRITTEN history, might have meant and then repeat their theories over and over as fact...
I would kill for a time machine right now to bring back an Orkney Pagan or a Henge builder and watch them beat the crap out of the EXPERTS (they keep using that word over and over again) for desecrating their religious sites with blasphemous ideas... These people have no clue what the hell they are talking about...
many times they are interpreting from "clues" that don't even exist anymore... or have no actual proof of what the clues that do exist actually mean:
Oh my look there is a cow skull at an embankment that took decades to make so this is obviously a religious point for death ceremonies long before the henge was built except that about 15 min earlier we, the "experts", told you that all henges were built with embankments that were dug first and since this is the largest ever made and took decades it couldn't possibly just be that there were some religious cereomonies done while digging or that they consecrated it in certain ways and not that is was a religious site before hand instead of it being dedicated to death in every way
I am enraged by the way this show was directed produced and narrated and the "experts" that were used and spoke their theories as facts and known facts that are practically irrefutable they don't deserve to be acknowledged as historians at all ever again.
This is at least the tenth time I have been frustrated or pissed off by these channels and the way they show historical events people or places. Only a couple weeks ago I was enraged by a show denigrating Alexander the Great and I have seen at least three shows about Cleopatra that were filled with twaddle and modern psycho babble that had nothing to do with actual fact, culture, or history... Now the Pagans of the British Isles.
Learning is disappearing and I for one am made quite sad by it.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
What the bleep is wrong with me... the game
Ok I think I should keep this to myself and make money off it LOL
But mom says to share this small piece of funny brightness with all you who read my blog...
So tonight/ early morning I have a raging headache which has been pounding at me on and off all day no matter how much Advil I take; after a frustrating night I feel I wasted much to much energy and money on an endeavor that bore no fruit and pissed me off.
So I called mom when I got home as she expected I and let her know of the headache. She had me take my blood pressure, which was a bit high, and then we checked a couple other things and I had an amazing idea. We should make a spinning wheel like on wheel of fortune and instead of prizes put on it all the different parts of my condition (i.e. blood pressure, pulmonary issues, neuralgia, fibromyalgia, and so on and so forth) so that when I am miserable or sick or have a pounding headache I can spin the Wheel of what the bleep is wrong with me and just choose a cause to my misery since there are too many variables to actually know what the cause really is.
I hope it has made you all laugh as it did my mother and I... and I hope that none of you steal it as an idea of a toy to make sick people like me laugh ... I could make a fortune :)
But mom says to share this small piece of funny brightness with all you who read my blog...
So tonight/ early morning I have a raging headache which has been pounding at me on and off all day no matter how much Advil I take; after a frustrating night I feel I wasted much to much energy and money on an endeavor that bore no fruit and pissed me off.
So I called mom when I got home as she expected I and let her know of the headache. She had me take my blood pressure, which was a bit high, and then we checked a couple other things and I had an amazing idea. We should make a spinning wheel like on wheel of fortune and instead of prizes put on it all the different parts of my condition (i.e. blood pressure, pulmonary issues, neuralgia, fibromyalgia, and so on and so forth) so that when I am miserable or sick or have a pounding headache I can spin the Wheel of what the bleep is wrong with me and just choose a cause to my misery since there are too many variables to actually know what the cause really is.
I hope it has made you all laugh as it did my mother and I... and I hope that none of you steal it as an idea of a toy to make sick people like me laugh ... I could make a fortune :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
catching up a lil
Hi all...
If there are any of you out there :)
I haven't been writing mostly cause the very few days when I haven't been sick or miserable I have been using the energy or painkiller help to get out of this pit of an apt and do something like loose the local Bikini Contest again (though this time I was second out of 8 instead of third out of 5 LOL... but to be honest I was only second on a technicality the actual second was flashing to get her applause)
I also made it to a nice dinner with a friend and met a gorgeous waiter and then saw the one movie I have been waiting months and months for... Despicable Me and it was GREAT!! o:)
So other than those few days out my sleep schedule has been totally messed up with me going to bed around 5am or later and having problem waking up before 8pm... then I spend the hours I am up tired, worn out, alone, sick and or in pain but over all miserable.
The depression is coming out of the darkness again and again these last few weeks but mostly this last 7 days or so... I feel like I don't have anything to be proud of or feel comfortable in anymore:
I used to be a reasonable wrestler (with many nice, and much better than I was, friends telling me I was very good at least at technique); I was pretty damn great at history or at least my areas of interest and could do amazing things in a debate; I was great at picking up and even retaining languages; I was reasonably attractive and didn't have too much trouble getting a date (and that even with the guys I chose and liked); I was a good dancer in Latin, Ballroom, Club; and I was an OK actress and pretty good on stage or performing in varied ways. These days between muscle loss and weakness, lack of energy and overwhelming fatigue both of which have caused my endurance to become non existent for athletics or dance or even walking sometimes, brain damage and memory loss have helped to disintegrate my abilities at history debate and languages, all of these together have messed my performing abilities in just about all ways, and as pathetic as it sounds I haven't been asked out on a date by single guy I like (at least here in Texas for two years or more)
It is hard feeling that I don't have something, anything, left that I am good at or can beleieve in and feel comfortable with saying this is what I can do... this I have left to me. And it comes out punches me in the face when I am feeling really bad health-wise cause I can't go and hide in one of those things, I was a published poet on multiple occations and I have only written one poem in 4 years. The last one before that I wrote for my ex-fiance right before I started getting really sick. It is almost as if the disease not only sucked up my strength and health but also my intellect and talents of all kinds leaving nothing behind but pain and neurosis and depression.
On that happy note, until next time ... and I will try to keep up better
If there are any of you out there :)
I haven't been writing mostly cause the very few days when I haven't been sick or miserable I have been using the energy or painkiller help to get out of this pit of an apt and do something like loose the local Bikini Contest again (though this time I was second out of 8 instead of third out of 5 LOL... but to be honest I was only second on a technicality the actual second was flashing to get her applause)
I also made it to a nice dinner with a friend and met a gorgeous waiter and then saw the one movie I have been waiting months and months for... Despicable Me and it was GREAT!! o:)
So other than those few days out my sleep schedule has been totally messed up with me going to bed around 5am or later and having problem waking up before 8pm... then I spend the hours I am up tired, worn out, alone, sick and or in pain but over all miserable.
The depression is coming out of the darkness again and again these last few weeks but mostly this last 7 days or so... I feel like I don't have anything to be proud of or feel comfortable in anymore:
I used to be a reasonable wrestler (with many nice, and much better than I was, friends telling me I was very good at least at technique); I was pretty damn great at history or at least my areas of interest and could do amazing things in a debate; I was great at picking up and even retaining languages; I was reasonably attractive and didn't have too much trouble getting a date (and that even with the guys I chose and liked); I was a good dancer in Latin, Ballroom, Club; and I was an OK actress and pretty good on stage or performing in varied ways. These days between muscle loss and weakness, lack of energy and overwhelming fatigue both of which have caused my endurance to become non existent for athletics or dance or even walking sometimes, brain damage and memory loss have helped to disintegrate my abilities at history debate and languages, all of these together have messed my performing abilities in just about all ways, and as pathetic as it sounds I haven't been asked out on a date by single guy I like (at least here in Texas for two years or more)
It is hard feeling that I don't have something, anything, left that I am good at or can beleieve in and feel comfortable with saying this is what I can do... this I have left to me. And it comes out punches me in the face when I am feeling really bad health-wise cause I can't go and hide in one of those things, I was a published poet on multiple occations and I have only written one poem in 4 years. The last one before that I wrote for my ex-fiance right before I started getting really sick. It is almost as if the disease not only sucked up my strength and health but also my intellect and talents of all kinds leaving nothing behind but pain and neurosis and depression.
On that happy note, until next time ... and I will try to keep up better
Sunday, July 4, 2010
my legs are going to hate me
Hi all and happy 4th of July!!
Today wasn't too bad a day to begin with. Not too much pain or dizziness and only a lil depression on and off, at least that was most of the day. In the evening I was missing NY traditions for 4th of July and my family and so I decided to try and find some fireworks.
First I found out that the Bush (41) Presidential Library does something every year but that it changes and sometimes the former President comes. So I decided to check the website and the events page for the 4th of July had been hacked by some *sshole. It was all messed up and said "this page has been hacked by "so and so" (the jerk does not deserve recognition by me!) the bla bla Saudi something or other and they has a whole bunch of stuff in Arabic. I was so angry I was crying... you want to hack the Presidential Library to prove something whatever, hack the history of wine exhibit or the back to school events NOT THE BIRTHDAY OF MY COUNTRY!!!
Next mom got me under control and convinced me to go check it out even without any foreknowledge of what was going on so I threw on some blue jeans and a red tank top and did some pretty sparkly make up (blue and white eyes and red lips) and got out the door and on the road.
On my way to there I found out that half the road was blocked and everyone was supposed to park at Reed Arena or the West Campus Garage and walk or take a shuttle to the Fireworks. So pulling in I start to get anxious and worried about having to be reliant on the shuttles and such. But mom convinced me to try it so I get out in the 90's degree weather and 98% humidity and head to the shuttle.
I get to the Library and there are people everywhere and lots of lil kids with glowy things and I start walking around checking it all out. There was a full band/orchestra playing patriotic music and some lights on in the parking lot. I walked around and sent some texts and didn't see anyone I knew and the food was all sold out and I was getting pretty hungry and the heat and humidity was starting to get to me so I thought maybe I should just go.
Then I saw a big hot air balloon getting blown up and I walked across the parking lot to check it out and on my way I got stared at a lot and I tried saying "howdy" and I got some strange looks and a couple "ah hi"s. I hate walking around the south alone... no one can figure out why you are alone and they all stare and you cause in a herd culture with herd mentality to be alone is to be a renegade or anarchist or something. When healthy that wouldn't really have bothered me, but now it makes me edgy and paranoid which I really hate feeling but can't seem to stop so after watching the balloon finish blowing up I decide to leave.
As I am walking towards the shuttle stop the lights all go out, and I figure that if the fireworks are going to start I might as well stay for a lil bit. But of course the fire works didn't start. We had more inspirational patriotic music and then a tribute to the armed forces. First the Army and the announcer says stand for the US Army OK. Then Anchors away starts and the announcer says stand for the Air Force so I start laughing hysterically big mistake cause now I am getting stared at more so I keep walking. Then Halls of Montezuma starts and even before I can think about it, and before the announcer has a chance to say please stand for the Marine Corps, I stop moving and am standing at attention. I start singing quietly under my breath and it is only a little nostalgic and I think I am doing OK, then some guy near by looks at me and says "are you a Marine?". That broke me. I shook my head and walked away towards the shuttles and the heat and humidity and my broken heart (figurative) broke my heart (literally). I started having trouble breathing and when I got the shuttles I wasn't feeling well but I knew I didn't want to go to the hospital so the event EMT's were not an option. The shuttles though weren't running anymore, cause the minute I got there the first fireworks burst and the shuttles weren't going to run till they were done. But no one could tell me how long they would be and I felt sick and NEEDED to get to my car.
SO I started walking... I forgot it is at least a mile back to the WCG. UGH!! (and insert your favorite curse here :)
About half way through I called my mom, I'm dying of heat and sweat, not breathing correctly and sure my heart rate is at the very least 100 if not 115; she first starts asking questions and trying to convince me the EMT's aren't going to do what I know they will do... I didn't take it well I started crying. Once I get it explained I need a distraction cause I am convinced I am going to puke or pass out or both.
But I made it I walked the whole damn thing and by the time I got there I still didn't feel so good but I lot better then when I felt like I was going to die.
I then went shopping cause I really need some stuff and 3/4 through that my blood pressure decided it wanted to make up for my tachycardia from earlier and plummeted to my shoes. So now I feel dizzy and sick (you know like I might pass out or puke or both) but it is different from your heart rate exploding you just have to know it.
At the end of the day though I am home and alive and relatively OK feeling and going to go to bed soon... but that insanely long story of crap actually constitutes one of the best or at least most active days I have had in weeks, so I guess things are looking up?
Today wasn't too bad a day to begin with. Not too much pain or dizziness and only a lil depression on and off, at least that was most of the day. In the evening I was missing NY traditions for 4th of July and my family and so I decided to try and find some fireworks.
First I found out that the Bush (41) Presidential Library does something every year but that it changes and sometimes the former President comes. So I decided to check the website and the events page for the 4th of July had been hacked by some *sshole. It was all messed up and said "this page has been hacked by "so and so" (the jerk does not deserve recognition by me!) the bla bla Saudi something or other and they has a whole bunch of stuff in Arabic. I was so angry I was crying... you want to hack the Presidential Library to prove something whatever, hack the history of wine exhibit or the back to school events NOT THE BIRTHDAY OF MY COUNTRY!!!
Next mom got me under control and convinced me to go check it out even without any foreknowledge of what was going on so I threw on some blue jeans and a red tank top and did some pretty sparkly make up (blue and white eyes and red lips) and got out the door and on the road.
On my way to there I found out that half the road was blocked and everyone was supposed to park at Reed Arena or the West Campus Garage and walk or take a shuttle to the Fireworks. So pulling in I start to get anxious and worried about having to be reliant on the shuttles and such. But mom convinced me to try it so I get out in the 90's degree weather and 98% humidity and head to the shuttle.
I get to the Library and there are people everywhere and lots of lil kids with glowy things and I start walking around checking it all out. There was a full band/orchestra playing patriotic music and some lights on in the parking lot. I walked around and sent some texts and didn't see anyone I knew and the food was all sold out and I was getting pretty hungry and the heat and humidity was starting to get to me so I thought maybe I should just go.
Then I saw a big hot air balloon getting blown up and I walked across the parking lot to check it out and on my way I got stared at a lot and I tried saying "howdy" and I got some strange looks and a couple "ah hi"s. I hate walking around the south alone... no one can figure out why you are alone and they all stare and you cause in a herd culture with herd mentality to be alone is to be a renegade or anarchist or something. When healthy that wouldn't really have bothered me, but now it makes me edgy and paranoid which I really hate feeling but can't seem to stop so after watching the balloon finish blowing up I decide to leave.
As I am walking towards the shuttle stop the lights all go out, and I figure that if the fireworks are going to start I might as well stay for a lil bit. But of course the fire works didn't start. We had more inspirational patriotic music and then a tribute to the armed forces. First the Army and the announcer says stand for the US Army OK. Then Anchors away starts and the announcer says stand for the Air Force so I start laughing hysterically big mistake cause now I am getting stared at more so I keep walking. Then Halls of Montezuma starts and even before I can think about it, and before the announcer has a chance to say please stand for the Marine Corps, I stop moving and am standing at attention. I start singing quietly under my breath and it is only a little nostalgic and I think I am doing OK, then some guy near by looks at me and says "are you a Marine?". That broke me. I shook my head and walked away towards the shuttles and the heat and humidity and my broken heart (figurative) broke my heart (literally). I started having trouble breathing and when I got the shuttles I wasn't feeling well but I knew I didn't want to go to the hospital so the event EMT's were not an option. The shuttles though weren't running anymore, cause the minute I got there the first fireworks burst and the shuttles weren't going to run till they were done. But no one could tell me how long they would be and I felt sick and NEEDED to get to my car.
SO I started walking... I forgot it is at least a mile back to the WCG. UGH!! (and insert your favorite curse here :)
About half way through I called my mom, I'm dying of heat and sweat, not breathing correctly and sure my heart rate is at the very least 100 if not 115; she first starts asking questions and trying to convince me the EMT's aren't going to do what I know they will do... I didn't take it well I started crying. Once I get it explained I need a distraction cause I am convinced I am going to puke or pass out or both.
But I made it I walked the whole damn thing and by the time I got there I still didn't feel so good but I lot better then when I felt like I was going to die.
I then went shopping cause I really need some stuff and 3/4 through that my blood pressure decided it wanted to make up for my tachycardia from earlier and plummeted to my shoes. So now I feel dizzy and sick (you know like I might pass out or puke or both) but it is different from your heart rate exploding you just have to know it.
At the end of the day though I am home and alive and relatively OK feeling and going to go to bed soon... but that insanely long story of crap actually constitutes one of the best or at least most active days I have had in weeks, so I guess things are looking up?
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Catch up
So it is has been a couple days since my last post.
They have not been good days.
They have been days filled mostly with sleep and very vivid dreams (many of them nightmares).
They have been days filled with panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and misery.
I have gotten to a point where I don't want to do anything anymore. I feel too tired and too weak and too miserable to drive, or shop, or even eat or drink unless I am hungry or thirsty and since I am nauseous so much of the time these days I don't get hungry or thirsty.
My mom is horribly worried about me, that I am not taking care of myself so she keeps asking my friends to come take care of me but I have gotten to the point where other people coming over makes me worse, it makes me drug myself to sleep just so I don't have to deal with them.
I don't want to see people pity me anymore, or them annoyed or bored by me while I sit on the couch or in bed all day doing nothing, cause I don't have the ability to do anything.
I feel awful by myself, but with other people involved I feel really worthless, I not only waste my life but now I am wasting their time and life too.
I just seem to be getting sicker and sicker. There normally are up points but not anymore that I can see. And a part of me keeps saying I should try to go out to the movies or to the club, but I am just to tired or weak to go through with any of it. I can't do it on my own and I don't want to ask anyone else to come with me because I have to cancel half the time and then I deal with being a drain on my friends.
I just feel lost and so miserable. At this point it seems easier to just sit alone and be miserable and not try. If I try I fail most of the time, so I am just done trying...
They have not been good days.
They have been days filled mostly with sleep and very vivid dreams (many of them nightmares).
They have been days filled with panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and misery.
I have gotten to a point where I don't want to do anything anymore. I feel too tired and too weak and too miserable to drive, or shop, or even eat or drink unless I am hungry or thirsty and since I am nauseous so much of the time these days I don't get hungry or thirsty.
My mom is horribly worried about me, that I am not taking care of myself so she keeps asking my friends to come take care of me but I have gotten to the point where other people coming over makes me worse, it makes me drug myself to sleep just so I don't have to deal with them.
I don't want to see people pity me anymore, or them annoyed or bored by me while I sit on the couch or in bed all day doing nothing, cause I don't have the ability to do anything.
I feel awful by myself, but with other people involved I feel really worthless, I not only waste my life but now I am wasting their time and life too.
I just seem to be getting sicker and sicker. There normally are up points but not anymore that I can see. And a part of me keeps saying I should try to go out to the movies or to the club, but I am just to tired or weak to go through with any of it. I can't do it on my own and I don't want to ask anyone else to come with me because I have to cancel half the time and then I deal with being a drain on my friends.
I just feel lost and so miserable. At this point it seems easier to just sit alone and be miserable and not try. If I try I fail most of the time, so I am just done trying...
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