looking to find inner peace without falling to pieces...

I spent most of my life, before I got sick, living on adrenaline.  Whether I was bouncing around happy, experiencing intense sports, or charging head first, into a fight or cause, driven by anger and righteous indignation I was generally all high energy.  Since I got sick and had adrenal fatigue (as well as every other type of fatigue thanks to my mitochondrial DNA not producing ATP's/energy molecules) I have found myself having to deal with being down/ low energy (sad/depressed/exhausted) more often then not.  

Also now that my "fight or flight syndrome" jump starts my pain conditions I have been learning to let go of my anger as well as stay away from adrenaline sports and even looked into meditation (though as a type A personality I seem to be physically unable to sit still and "let go" of my thoughts and mind).
So I am looking into Tai Chi and/or Yoga.... any suggestions?

Interestingly it is actually my messed up brain I have to thank for being willing to even keep looking.  I have never been very interested in meditation (though mostly because I have never been able to sit still and "empty my mind".  But a few months back I had a couple weeks of very intense "emotional lability syndrome".  I would swing, within a matter of hours, from extreme depression and or rage, that had me screaming and even worried about injuring myself on purpose, to being absolutely calm and centered and totally focused on whatever I was working on or needed to get done.  It was a feeling I had almost never felt before in my life.  It wasn't anything like I had thought or worried meditation might be (and I know it will take years before I can simply get to that place of my own volition, without my brain chemicals tripping me down the rabbit hole) but I think that level of focus would be an asset in any situation and would only help or augment my personality not change it the way I had worried about in the past.

"Life's Not Fair" But we tend to react like it should be...

This is a bit of a vent/rant post just to let you know :-/


I am well aware, both, that patience has never been my virtue and that nothing work instantly (especially my supplements) but even knowing those facts it is really frustrating that the day after I finally get almost all my pills down, after not getting almost any for a week, ends up being one of my more debilitating days physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I know the world isn't fair and things don't actually happen with the equal correlation we seem to be born expecting, but when you do something good or right or healthy, and especially when that something was hard to do in the first place, you want/expect  (whether that expectation is rational or not) the equal (and opposite) reaction to be it helping, or you getting positive recognition, or things being easier in some way and when it ends up not helping (at least not in any way that you can recognize) or in fact you feel worse, THAT JUST PLAIN SUCKS!!!

The way the world should work in the eyes of children:
Do something bad = get punished
Do something good = get rewarded
Be unhealthy or irresponsible = get/stay sick or face consequences/rebuked
Be healthy or responsible = get/stay healthy or be lauded/praised

I it doesn't work like this but sometimes I really wish it did... especially when I am in pain and tired and all I want to do is some damn chores to help out around the house (and because I know if I can just get reorganized I will be so much better at keeping a schedule and taking my pills regularly and be on the best path to getting healthier again .... but how do I do that when I don't have the energy or ability to even just put the dishes in the dishwasher let alone re-make my bed and change out all the cloths in my drawers from summer to winter and clean off my desk and table and set things up to make my life easier (less stressful) and there for healthier.

I'm Baaaack!!

Over the last year or so, since I stopped writing this blog, I have gotten emails and phone calls from people who said that reading it helped them.  And I have found that I need a place to vent and talk about my condition that isn't facebook. LOL
So I have decided to try again.
It has taken so long because my summer was pretty hectic and draining, and also because to be honest I wasn't sure if I could make it work, since I didn't do too well with keeping up with it regularly last time; and, to be honest, I know that I don't do very well with one sided interactions (putting energy out with out getting much or any back).
And on that note I have a request to make of you, the reader: please respond! Leave a comment, send an e-mail, if you know me personally go ahead and drop me a text or mention the blog next time we meet up.  I don't mean to take up a lot of your time and you don't have to say anything overly insightful or even helpful :) I just need to know you are there and that you are reading this.