Good morning all, it is actually 5:30 on Wed. but I am still considering it Tuesday for me.
Tuesday started out similar to the last couple of days to a week with me waking up every 2-3 hours. This time was different though in that every time I went to seep I was involved in very in depth vivid intense dreams. Three different sets of dreams though the last two had a similar theme at least.
So I slept from 6am to 2pm. I woke up so I could make it to a doctor's appointment. I got my shower and and got dressed and except for a lil chest pain I was on track and on time and proud of my self. Then I found that my keys were gone, so I went a lil nuts looking for them, and realized that my best girl who was helping me out yesterday by doing my shopping still had them in her purse. Now I was really starting to panic, but I remembered that I had 2 extra keys made and did a mad search of all the boxes that still make up my room (one of my biggest frustrations since moving in here and one of the most limiting issues in my life these days is that I don't know where anything is anymore and can never find what I need when I need it and going through the boxes is likely to seriously depress me within min anytime I deal with them). The keys were no where to be found. So I called the doctor's office and was lucky enough that there was a cancellation for tomorrow, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see her for 2 weeks and would have be cut off from B-12 shots!
The panic attack caused me to take a half a doxy (over the counter Doxylamine is actually a sleeping pill, but it works amazingly well as anti-anxiety med) to calm down and it sort of worked but I still felt over heated and suddenly couldn't breath, it felt like the oxygen wasn't coming it (like it used to be when I would run in the horrid Texas humidity) so I stripped down and turned down the AC.
Then within 10 min or so I was freezing. I turned the AC back up and wrapped up warm but could stop freezing. I finally got a lil more comfortable and then passed out. This is the 2nd time I have falling asleep within 30-45 min after taking only half a doxy, I figure it has something to do with the Fentanyl Patch.
So after sleeping from 4 to 8 I woke up tired but unable to go back to sleep and kinda miserable that I seem to be sleeping what lil life have left away. I did think it was kinda nice that instead of having to be severely depressed or in agony I was just mildly depressed and in a moderate amount of pain. But the longer I was awake the more the pain grew and changed to be more bothersome and upsetting. I thought about taking a sleeping pill to just go back where my dreams are vivid and vibrant (unlike my life), I am healthy and powerful and strong (unlike my life), and there is no pain and rarely any depression (unlike my life). But at the same time that feels a lot like a cop-out or hiding.
But even if it is hiding does that matter? I don't seem to be getting much of anything done when I am awake these days, so does it matter if I am awake at all?
I'm not even all that depressed just being kinda existential ... and lonely.
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