Ok so I know I am not good at keeping up with this thing, but when you are really sick and really miserable it is hard to keep up with anything so even though this is supposed to be about my life dealing with this illness, when the illness is at its worst I prob won't be keeping up well.
So I left Texas and moved back to NYC. The trip itself almost killed me (puking at least 3-5 times a day, no hunger, no thirst, sick every time I drank anything, unending pain, and depression, trouble even walking or standing) I got back to NYC and the symptoms continued and my back and neck were so bad I couldn't sleep some nights.
I spent at least 2 nights tossing and turning spasmodically all night I was afraid I was having seizures.
I finally got a couple OK afternoons/evenings and saw a movie with a good friend and then again with my dad and mom for my dad's birthday.
Then I crashed again. It has been two weeks or more and I still haven't been able to see a chiropractor, I am miserable and sleeping all day for the last two days and can't seem to do much of anything during the few hours when I am up.
The new apartment looks great and does have more room technically but there is a prob with the AC in the loft and since I have been too sick when I am awake or mom is asleep on the floor right by me I haven't been able to do any cleaning or oganizing and mom is working full time and over time since the day we got back the apartment is crowded and a mess.
I was supposed to come back so that I could get better and mom could take care of me, but she is working and I am a strain and I am not getting any better (maybe, likely worse) and I feel like a burden and an unhelpful lazy lump.
I am just to tired and depressed and the pain doesn't seem to stop... I hate this so much
I used to have a full and pretty good, on the way to being a totally fulfilling, life. Now I don't have so much a life but an existance and not a very fun or fulfilling one in any way.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Question
OK this post has two different purposes:
1. I want some advice (see rest of post :)
2. I want to see who is actually reading this thing after all the depressing posts and rants, I was told people wanted to hear what was going on with me no matter how sad or broken I am, but I have heard from family I may be too depressing and that my title was dark. SO let me hear from you the reader.
As you should all know by now, either from my first post or my profile, I can not fulfill my dream of becoming a Marine and for the time being it isn't likely I will be able to work for the government in much of any capacity; so I am looking for ideas from people who know me of things they always thought I should do... and ideas based on some basic parameters listed below, the first kind don't have to relate to the latter :)
Things I would like to have in a job:
include travel (just about anywhere but preferably South Asia, Europe, Middle East)
language skills
people skills (make them feel comfortable, happy)
carry a gun, concealed or otherwise
Please leave comments here or e-mail me at Jessissickandtired@gmail.com
Thanks for the help, and thanks for reading... if you are reading cause you are sick as well I hope anything I write helps if in only that you don't feel alone :)
1. I want some advice (see rest of post :)
2. I want to see who is actually reading this thing after all the depressing posts and rants, I was told people wanted to hear what was going on with me no matter how sad or broken I am, but I have heard from family I may be too depressing and that my title was dark. SO let me hear from you the reader.
As you should all know by now, either from my first post or my profile, I can not fulfill my dream of becoming a Marine and for the time being it isn't likely I will be able to work for the government in much of any capacity; so I am looking for ideas from people who know me of things they always thought I should do... and ideas based on some basic parameters listed below, the first kind don't have to relate to the latter :)
Things I would like to have in a job:
include travel (just about anywhere but preferably South Asia, Europe, Middle East)
language skills
people skills (make them feel comfortable, happy)
carry a gun, concealed or otherwise
Please leave comments here or e-mail me at Jessissickandtired@gmail.com
Thanks for the help, and thanks for reading... if you are reading cause you are sick as well I hope anything I write helps if in only that you don't feel alone :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Roller Coasters suck
The title of this post is based on the Roller Coaster of emotions caused by illness and pain and depression:
SO I am sick and life sucks all around. OK I don't like it and wish I was better but that's where I am. Then the pain gets better or the fatigue or both and I start exercising or I get to go out dancing or to the movies with friends or dinner with a nice guy or all of the above and life isn't perfect or the way it used to be, but it is a lot better. Then something happens, chemical upset in the brain, a giant pain spike, a 24 hour night of sleep or longer... and then I am depressed and even though the pain isn't too bad (but continuing) you can't get up you can't get anything done and more than the fact that you have hit this low is the that you were doing so "well" when it happened.
Or it happens from another side of the "pain, fatigue, depression" triangle. Either way I go up on one or two sides and then slide down the other side or two and feel stuck in a pit I can't remember how to get out of... especially when it is the emotional side of the triangle because it is the hardest on the rest of the system. I can deal with the pain generally if I am not awfully tired or depressed. I can handle being tired if I am not depressed or in much pain. But when I get depressed, even if the other symptoms are or were doing ok, I crash. The depression makes me more tired no matter where I was before, it gives me more pain and even when the pain isn't too bad it makes it overwhelming because the depression overwhelms all the rest of me.
I know I have gotten over these mini relapses, even when I am in an overall relapse. But I can't remember how, or what I did different to cause it or fix it.
It leaves me more depressed because I can't see a way out of it.
I'm gonna try exercise and good food and keeping up with my regimen but it gets so hard when I feel like this. Last night I tried to exercise but couldn't get past a couple movements, it made me feel like I was gonna pass out.
UGH!!! all I have to say is UGH!!!
SO I am sick and life sucks all around. OK I don't like it and wish I was better but that's where I am. Then the pain gets better or the fatigue or both and I start exercising or I get to go out dancing or to the movies with friends or dinner with a nice guy or all of the above and life isn't perfect or the way it used to be, but it is a lot better. Then something happens, chemical upset in the brain, a giant pain spike, a 24 hour night of sleep or longer... and then I am depressed and even though the pain isn't too bad (but continuing) you can't get up you can't get anything done and more than the fact that you have hit this low is the that you were doing so "well" when it happened.
Or it happens from another side of the "pain, fatigue, depression" triangle. Either way I go up on one or two sides and then slide down the other side or two and feel stuck in a pit I can't remember how to get out of... especially when it is the emotional side of the triangle because it is the hardest on the rest of the system. I can deal with the pain generally if I am not awfully tired or depressed. I can handle being tired if I am not depressed or in much pain. But when I get depressed, even if the other symptoms are or were doing ok, I crash. The depression makes me more tired no matter where I was before, it gives me more pain and even when the pain isn't too bad it makes it overwhelming because the depression overwhelms all the rest of me.
I know I have gotten over these mini relapses, even when I am in an overall relapse. But I can't remember how, or what I did different to cause it or fix it.
It leaves me more depressed because I can't see a way out of it.
I'm gonna try exercise and good food and keeping up with my regimen but it gets so hard when I feel like this. Last night I tried to exercise but couldn't get past a couple movements, it made me feel like I was gonna pass out.
UGH!!! all I have to say is UGH!!!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
times 3
So I get Fibro pain on and off, I get Neuralgic pain a lot, and now today I have muscle pain from yesterday's attempt at exercise (which caused plenty of issues of its own).
I tried to go for a jog at one point and made it a very very short distance before my energy and lungs gave out. Now I have been very inactive of late, and the heat and humidity of central Texas is legendary in its ability to debilitate people, but beyond all that I now know after many tests that there is a congenital problem with my lungs. I don't process CO2 correctly and because of that my lungs don't always get enough oxygen to my brain, which is why I have always been a crappy runner. I have a relatively high amount of carbonic acid or something in my blood which tells the doctors that I have had the CO2 issue for most of my life and was somewhat dealing with it. Since I have become so sick and the POTS has caused other issues with my blood getting enough oxygen to my brain my lungs don't seem to work well at all... I have almost no endurance or ability to run or do much of any aerobic exercise. Unfortunately that leaves me realizing whatever I finally get to do with my life it will most likely be a desk job. I never wanted a desk job and am having a lot of trouble accepting the staid path my life is seeming to heading down.
To all those who have lost their dreams or plans for their lives the pain doesn't ever truly dissipate but it does become bearable, at least most of the time. Find a way to bring whatever it was about your dreams and plans that made you happy into your new life... it is really hard I know but I do believe it is possible (at least most of the time :)
I tried to go for a jog at one point and made it a very very short distance before my energy and lungs gave out. Now I have been very inactive of late, and the heat and humidity of central Texas is legendary in its ability to debilitate people, but beyond all that I now know after many tests that there is a congenital problem with my lungs. I don't process CO2 correctly and because of that my lungs don't always get enough oxygen to my brain, which is why I have always been a crappy runner. I have a relatively high amount of carbonic acid or something in my blood which tells the doctors that I have had the CO2 issue for most of my life and was somewhat dealing with it. Since I have become so sick and the POTS has caused other issues with my blood getting enough oxygen to my brain my lungs don't seem to work well at all... I have almost no endurance or ability to run or do much of any aerobic exercise. Unfortunately that leaves me realizing whatever I finally get to do with my life it will most likely be a desk job. I never wanted a desk job and am having a lot of trouble accepting the staid path my life is seeming to heading down.
To all those who have lost their dreams or plans for their lives the pain doesn't ever truly dissipate but it does become bearable, at least most of the time. Find a way to bring whatever it was about your dreams and plans that made you happy into your new life... it is really hard I know but I do believe it is possible (at least most of the time :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
random rant
I don't think I will be able to watch History channel, or History International anymore and I am starting to think that most museums and History and Archeology departments that associate themselves with either channel at anytime should be blown up!
These channels and their shows mention ideas or theories of what things, from civilizations that have been gone for thousands of years and left NO WRITTEN history, might have meant and then repeat their theories over and over as fact...
I would kill for a time machine right now to bring back an Orkney Pagan or a Henge builder and watch them beat the crap out of the EXPERTS (they keep using that word over and over again) for desecrating their religious sites with blasphemous ideas... These people have no clue what the hell they are talking about...
many times they are interpreting from "clues" that don't even exist anymore... or have no actual proof of what the clues that do exist actually mean:
Oh my look there is a cow skull at an embankment that took decades to make so this is obviously a religious point for death ceremonies long before the henge was built except that about 15 min earlier we, the "experts", told you that all henges were built with embankments that were dug first and since this is the largest ever made and took decades it couldn't possibly just be that there were some religious cereomonies done while digging or that they consecrated it in certain ways and not that is was a religious site before hand instead of it being dedicated to death in every way
I am enraged by the way this show was directed produced and narrated and the "experts" that were used and spoke their theories as facts and known facts that are practically irrefutable they don't deserve to be acknowledged as historians at all ever again.
This is at least the tenth time I have been frustrated or pissed off by these channels and the way they show historical events people or places. Only a couple weeks ago I was enraged by a show denigrating Alexander the Great and I have seen at least three shows about Cleopatra that were filled with twaddle and modern psycho babble that had nothing to do with actual fact, culture, or history... Now the Pagans of the British Isles.
Learning is disappearing and I for one am made quite sad by it.
These channels and their shows mention ideas or theories of what things, from civilizations that have been gone for thousands of years and left NO WRITTEN history, might have meant and then repeat their theories over and over as fact...
I would kill for a time machine right now to bring back an Orkney Pagan or a Henge builder and watch them beat the crap out of the EXPERTS (they keep using that word over and over again) for desecrating their religious sites with blasphemous ideas... These people have no clue what the hell they are talking about...
many times they are interpreting from "clues" that don't even exist anymore... or have no actual proof of what the clues that do exist actually mean:
Oh my look there is a cow skull at an embankment that took decades to make so this is obviously a religious point for death ceremonies long before the henge was built except that about 15 min earlier we, the "experts", told you that all henges were built with embankments that were dug first and since this is the largest ever made and took decades it couldn't possibly just be that there were some religious cereomonies done while digging or that they consecrated it in certain ways and not that is was a religious site before hand instead of it being dedicated to death in every way
I am enraged by the way this show was directed produced and narrated and the "experts" that were used and spoke their theories as facts and known facts that are practically irrefutable they don't deserve to be acknowledged as historians at all ever again.
This is at least the tenth time I have been frustrated or pissed off by these channels and the way they show historical events people or places. Only a couple weeks ago I was enraged by a show denigrating Alexander the Great and I have seen at least three shows about Cleopatra that were filled with twaddle and modern psycho babble that had nothing to do with actual fact, culture, or history... Now the Pagans of the British Isles.
Learning is disappearing and I for one am made quite sad by it.
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